Or, Exams are Over, Coursework is Submitted, and It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Yes, I’m free! Last week’s four various exams, in-class courseworks (exams with dictionaries) and continuous assessments (recurring exams) took up a healthy chunk of my time and sanity, then the weekend was spent writing a three-thousand word essay that could quite easily have been written in under thirty (the economic effects of Deng Xiaoping’s pragmatic realism was that it made China a lot of money, the social effects were that people weren’t happy with him), and then this morning was a particularly nasty oral exam (talk for ten to fifteen minutes in your group, in Chinese, on a topic, chosen at random, from six you have prepared). But all that is done and dusted, cast aside, completed, and in the past. So from now to Christmas day, I have nothing but spare time, to spend as I please! And I plan to spend it most well. Starting by regaling my tales of more recent adventures, including my first and last Nativity play in China! And as ever, we kick-start tonight’s tales with the Chinglish of the Month award!
A very simple little sentence here, but so packed full of gleeful misunderstanding that it reduced us to quite some giggling in the gift shop. A sort of facepack designed specifically for the nose, to aid troubled breathing I think. Whatever it’s purpose, the name left no doubt that is was designed to be used on the nose, called as it was:
Herbal Conk Mask
That’s a name so unbelievably British that the only man alive who can say it without any sense of irony also smokes a pipe, has muttonchops, and wears at least a dozen medals on his red colonial military jacket. His name is probably Major Smith-Smythe-Smith, he drinks brandy after every meal, and undoubtedly had a scholarship to Sandhurst.
Onwards then, to tales of China! When I last wrote it was just after we went to see Othello, and since then I think I’ve been mostly wrapped up in exams, but naturally we’ve been keeping busy. I mentioned of course our Nativity play. Seems that every year here, the Chinese students put on a Christmas show, and far be it from me to suggest that what the performance had nothing to do with Christmas! I mean, after the display of kung fu was over, the participants all walked on to proudly display a banner bearing the words “Merry Christmas”. No, really- two minutes of students in white pyjamas smashing wooden blocks, spin-kicking each other, and shouting “kiai!” at the top of their voices was followed by them walking on with the most serious, grim, stern martial-arts-discipline faces, and a large red banner wishing a Merry Christmas. That’s about as close as the show got to a Christmas theme. Skyline, my friend Kenrick’s band, opened up by performing It’s My Life by Bon Jovi, there was some traditional Chinese music, et al. So okay, maybe it didn’t have a lot to do with Christmas. That is, until we internationals stepped in! We performed the traditional Nativity Story, in the traditional primary-school fashion, with the shepherds wearing tea towels on their heads and a tinsel halo for Gabriel. I was lucky enough to play the role of Joseph, reprising the role I first played aged… six? We felt it was important too that our script was as accurate as possible- the first draft, submitted by Rick, began thus:
Once upon a time, Mary was walking in the desert with her husband Joseph.
Give yourself a point for each mistake you can spot in that sentence. The original script also included “The son of God, also known as Jesus”, who would “Go on to have a successful career healing lepers”. Yup, this was a magnum opus like no other. But we fussy Christians took the script in, and redrafted it to be the best told-only-through-narration-and-mime version we could. Jesus’ carpentry business was also mentioned, though we sadly left out Hannah’s bit of wisdom: “Heaven’s going to be so well-furnished”. For some reason, that line rather tickled me.
Following the relative success of that, we sung Silent Night in what the compeers announced was “traditional British carol-singing”. Which now means “unaccompanied, and with everyone holding a beer”. I guess that’s fairly traditional.
Better yet, that’s not the end of our theatrics! International Church is holding a big ol’ Christmas service, at which everyone is due to be giving performances representing their country’s Christmas traditions. So obviously we’re carol singing again, but what other type of performance do Brits normally put on around Christmastime? You all know what it is, so say it with me…
“OH NO IT ISN’T!”
“OH YES IT IS!”
Oh yes we are, we’re doing a panto. Cinderella, in fact, being scripted even as I type. I’m in charge of making props, as well as being cast opposite Kenrick as one of the ugly stepsisters. No knowing how this will go down, since the humour is VERY British (that is to say, very broad and silly), but hopefully everyone will get into the spirit of it and it’ll be a fab ol’ show! And if not, well, we’ll enjoy it. So this next few days is going to be spent making a cardboard pumpkin, a magic wand, and yet more props for the show. More craft work to keep me happy!
And while it may not be a white Christmas here, we were lucky enough to have snow, for a whole day. From what I’ve heard there’s been more snow than anyone could want in Britain, so maybe I shouldn’t talk about this too much… but we found time, on that one day sometime last week, for a good ol’ snowball fight and some larks in the snow. It may not be a white Christmas, but it was a beautiful night back then!
And as well as all that, there’s always cooking for Christmas day- my list of things to make runs thus:
Christmas Cake (actually made three weeks ago, but it still needs icing)
Welshcakes (bring something traditional, and I’ve got raisins to use up)
Mulled Wine
Chocolate Popcorn Toffee Wrap Crispy Things (in need of a better name)
Butterbeer (as in the Harry Potter drink, because why not, eh?)
Then there’s more decorating in the halls to do, Christingles to make, presents to buy, the kitchen to scrub up so’s we can hold our celebrations in there… and my advent calendar says there’s four days to do it all! Well, best get stuck in! It’s going to be a busy week, but business in the name of festivity and celebration is absolutely my favourite way to be!
And on that note I’m signing off- I’ll post again after Christmas I’m sure, but up til then it’s going to be nothing but prep work now. So, until then, may I wish you all reading this health, wealth, warmth of heart and hearth; have a wonderful celebration, and God bless you all!
Merry Christmas!
Dan
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