The Tale of Dan’s Year in China, Part-y on because it’s Christmastime!

Or, Exams are Over, Coursework is Submitted, and It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

   Yes, I’m free! Last week’s four various exams, in-class courseworks (exams with dictionaries) and continuous assessments (recurring exams) took up a healthy chunk of my time and sanity, then the weekend was spent writing a three-thousand word essay that could quite easily have been written in under thirty (the economic effects of Deng Xiaoping’s pragmatic realism was that it made China a lot of money, the social effects were that people weren’t happy with him), and then this morning was a particularly nasty oral exam (talk for ten to fifteen minutes in your group, in Chinese, on a topic, chosen at random, from six you have prepared). But all that is done and dusted, cast aside, completed, and in the past. So from now to Christmas day, I have nothing but spare time, to spend as I please! And I plan to spend it most well. Starting by regaling my tales of more recent adventures, including my first and last Nativity play in China! And as ever, we kick-start tonight’s tales with the Chinglish of the Month award!

   A very simple little sentence here, but so packed full of gleeful misunderstanding that it reduced us to quite some giggling in the gift shop. A sort of facepack designed specifically for the nose, to aid troubled breathing I think. Whatever it’s purpose, the name left no doubt that is was designed to be used on the nose, called as it was:

Herbal Conk Mask

   That’s a name so unbelievably British that the only man alive who can say it without any sense of irony also smokes a pipe, has muttonchops, and wears at least a dozen medals on his red colonial military jacket. His name is probably Major Smith-Smythe-Smith, he drinks brandy after every meal, and undoubtedly had a scholarship to Sandhurst.

   Onwards then, to tales of China! When I last wrote it was just after we went to see Othello, and since then I think I’ve been mostly wrapped up in exams, but naturally we’ve been keeping busy. I mentioned of course our Nativity play. Seems that every year here, the Chinese students put on a Christmas show, and far be it from me to suggest that what the performance had nothing to do with Christmas! I mean, after the display of kung fu was over, the participants all walked on to proudly display a banner bearing the words “Merry Christmas”. No, really- two minutes of students in white pyjamas smashing wooden blocks, spin-kicking each other, and shouting “kiai!” at the top of their voices was followed by them walking on with the most serious, grim, stern martial-arts-discipline faces, and a large red banner wishing a Merry Christmas. That’s about as close as the show got to a Christmas theme. Skyline, my friend Kenrick’s band, opened up by performing It’s My Life by Bon Jovi, there was some traditional Chinese music, et al. So okay, maybe it didn’t have a lot to do with Christmas. That is, until we internationals stepped in! We performed the traditional Nativity Story, in the traditional primary-school fashion, with the shepherds wearing tea towels on their heads and a tinsel halo for Gabriel. I was lucky enough to play the role of Joseph, reprising the role I first played aged… six? We felt it was important too that our script was as accurate as possible- the first draft, submitted by Rick, began thus:

   Once upon a time, Mary was walking in the desert with her husband Joseph.

Give yourself a point for each mistake you can spot in that sentence. The original script also included “The son of God, also known as Jesus”, who would “Go on to have a successful career healing lepers”. Yup, this was a magnum opus like no other. But we fussy Christians took the script in, and redrafted it to be the best told-only-through-narration-and-mime version we could. Jesus’ carpentry business was also mentioned, though we sadly left out Hannah’s bit of wisdom: “Heaven’s going to be so well-furnished”. For some reason, that line rather tickled me.

   Following the relative success of that, we sung Silent Night in what the compeers announced was “traditional British carol-singing”. Which now means “unaccompanied, and with everyone holding a beer”. I guess that’s fairly traditional.

   Better yet, that’s not the end of our theatrics! International Church is holding a big ol’ Christmas service, at which everyone is due to be giving performances representing their country’s Christmas traditions. So obviously we’re carol singing again, but what other type of performance do Brits normally put on around Christmastime? You all know what it is, so say it with me…

“OH NO IT ISN’T!”

“OH YES IT IS!”

   Oh yes we are, we’re doing a panto. Cinderella, in fact, being scripted even as I type. I’m in charge of making props, as well as being cast opposite Kenrick as one of the ugly stepsisters. No knowing how this will go down, since the humour is VERY British (that is to say, very broad and silly), but hopefully everyone will get into the spirit of it and it’ll be a fab ol’ show! And if not, well, we’ll enjoy it. So this next few days is going to be spent making a cardboard pumpkin, a magic wand, and yet more props for the show. More craft work to keep me happy!

   And while it may not be a white Christmas here, we were lucky enough to have snow, for a whole day. From what I’ve heard there’s been more snow than anyone could want in Britain, so maybe I shouldn’t talk about this too much… but we found time, on that one day sometime last week, for a good ol’ snowball fight and some larks in the snow. It may not be a white Christmas, but it was a beautiful night back then!

   And as well as all that, there’s always cooking for Christmas day- my list of things to make runs thus:

Christmas Cake (actually made three weeks ago, but it still needs icing)

Welshcakes (bring something traditional, and I’ve got raisins to use up)

Mulled Wine

Chocolate Popcorn Toffee Wrap Crispy Things (in need of a better name)

Butterbeer (as in the Harry Potter drink, because why not, eh?)

   Then there’s more decorating in the halls to do, Christingles to make, presents to buy, the kitchen to scrub up so’s we can hold our celebrations in there… and my advent calendar says there’s four days to do it all! Well, best get stuck in! It’s going to be a busy week, but business in the name of festivity and celebration is absolutely my favourite way to be!

   And on that note I’m signing off- I’ll post again after Christmas I’m sure, but up til then it’s going to be nothing but prep work now. So, until then, may I wish you all reading this health, wealth, warmth of heart and hearth; have a wonderful celebration, and God bless you all!

Merry Christmas!

Dan

The Tale of Dan’s Adventures in China, Diwuge (第五个)

Or, IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!

   Yes, it’s here! Deck the halls, tinsel ar y goeden, seren yn y nef, goodwill and mead to all men and women! My favourite time of year, when everything is huge and hearty, getting tipsy on brandy, carrots for Rudolph, carols by candlelight, cheesy Christmas tunes, giggling about mistletoe, bear hugs, the Snowman, steaming kitchens, teeth chipped on silver coins in the pudding, Scrooge and the spirits, and goodwill and peace to all those we love!

   As you can tell, I’m excited. Even if it’s a bit ahead of meself. See, for most of us here in Ningbo, it’ll be our first Christmas away from home. And naturally, we want to celebrate it in style, so planning has already begun. And since we haven’t had the stores blasting out tunes and flogging inflatable Santas for the past month, we’re getting geared up early to make up for it. I’m proudly charged with making Christmas cake, for which I have no experience to offer, but a pan of plums gently crystallising on my bedside table. Pretty soon the gorgeous syrupy smell will fill the room and replace the aroma of acrylic paint that’s been dominating it since I started colouring my mask (that’s a separate story altogether).

   So, after an early Christmas rant (but a happy rant, a rant of excitement and joy! I’m not sure what the proper word is for a happy rant), let us kick off this blog with the new Chinglish of the Interchangeable Period of Time Award! This invitation to a blood donating event was just so wonderfully poetic, and yet so bizarre, I just had to give it the award. All I can say is if I got invites like this back in Britain to donate blood, I’d have started years ago!

“A beautiful flower will give courage to patient to fight against the disease. Blood donation is like sending a flower, bringing hope of life to the others and sending pleasure of joining together with the families. If you donate your blood for others, there are no doubts that you will receive the help from others once you or your relatives need blood.  Blood donation is like a relay race, passing the love from one person to another. If you donate one bag of blood today, it will mean a lot to the others.

Love and dedication are not just empty talk indeed. If you have a warm heart and feel responsible for the society, please join us! Give a pint, get a pound. You can’t afford to miss it!”

   I particularly love “Give a pint, get a pound”. Remember, this is China, so they clearly don’t mean a pound sterling… but then, what do they mean? Is it a reference to Shylock and his pound of flesh? It honestly wouldn’t surprise me. Truly bewildering.

   So, what’s been happening here? Well, a couple of events as ever to keep things from getting too dull. My career on the catwalk kicked off tonight thanks to my friend Kenrick. After I roped him into going to the Sweeney Todd auditions, I guess I owed him a favour, and this week he called it in. Being asked to model some clothes for GXG (anyone heard of them? I don’t know fashion, so I don’t know if they’re famous or not), he needed some more people to help him out. Myself and another friend Rick were keelhauled into position, and so this Tuesday night I found myself striding down the aisle of the auditorium wearing an outfit that I don’t think I could be paid to wear in public! All grey coats and skinny trousers and skinny ties… ych a fi! Still, we took it with a pinch of salt, and given the audience was only about thirty people, a good portion of whom where only there to support us, we decided to ham it up and put on a show! It was tremendous fun, and then I slept through the next hour or so of Chinese students strutting up and taking it all very seriously. I got a voucher to spend at GXG which I shall never use, and felt much better once I was back in my comfy torn jeans, hand-me-down shirt, and £2 market-bought scarf.

   Got a bit of culture over the weekend too, all in the name of my theatrics. The Sweeney Todd rehearsals have been going slowly, and were getting a bit stale. To put a spark back in it and a spring in our steps, the directors decided we would go to a local drama group for some acting lessons. Much like climbing the mountain a few weeks ago, I didn’t know that much about it on the way there. It had been explained in a little detail, but I was hazy as to what we were doing and wasn’t expecting much. I thought it would be some small traditional Chinese drama group who would give us some advice on projection and stage directions, things I already knew.  Unlike the mountain run however, I was neither disappointed nor unpleasantly caught off guard.

   Firstly, the drama group were English. I know that sounds a little… well, I don’t want to use the word racist, but after two and a half months of conversations held about acting in someone’s- either mine or the directors- second language, it was really a pleasant change to have a laugh together with a bunch of Brits- the jokes didn’t need explaining, I could ask really technical questions without having to worry about being misunderstood, it was a nice blast of the old. So that was nice.

   Second, they were professional actors, so they knew what they were talking about. They all of them oozed experience bought from years of trying different ideas and hundreds of shows, both good and bad, and that made me trust what they had to say far more than the directors of our show. They also had some ideas I would never have thought of myself, which were really helpful.

   Finally, and best of all… we got to watch their show. And the show was Othello. Not just an English play, but SHAKESPEARE. Oh it made me happy. Tragedy, comedy, big acting, real villainy and heroism, gritty themes… it was a great performance, and really handy to see the techniques we had been taught actually used in a real production. And of course, I didn’t waste the opportunity to make a fool of myself. During the workshop earlier we had been taught by the supporting cast, we hadn’t met the guys playing either Othello or Desdemona. After the show every one of the actors came out to greet us and ask what we thought, did we enjoy it, and have a bit more of a relaxed chat. And this time, Desdemona and Othello came out too, and we met them. So I was chatting away with someone, then Othello came to join us (Eugene, his real name was). The woman I was talking with introduced me and Eugene to each other, and he held out his hand to shake mine and said “Hi Dan, great to meet you”. It’s a simple enough sentence, isn’t it? Doesn’t require anything special in the answer? A simple “Nice to meet you too Eugene,” would have worked, maybe with “Congrats on the show, I really enjoyed it,” if I could work up to it. But I had just watched this man playing Othello, one of the most tragic Shakespearean characters ever written, a role of ENORMOUS gravitas and weight. As if that wasn’t enough, he himself was a six-foot something, bulging-muscled, deep-voiced, dark-eyed, goateed and cropped black-haired, giant of a man. So maybe it’s no surprise that instead of saying anything particularly sensible I panicked like a startled teenage girl and just said in a squeaky voice somewhere in the back of my throat:

 “Mnargh…”

   That will haunt me just as I’m about to fall asleep for some nights to come. After I’d stopped my knees from trembling at vastness of this man’s presence and got my tongue working again I managed to introduce myself and eventually worked up to answering his questions about our show, my course, Improv, etc. We had a good ol’ natter and eventually we, the student crew, thanked the pros and made our way home. But I don’t think I’ll forget for a while how when meeting this great actor, and having a chance to talk to him and congratulate him, I instead went weak at the knees and squeaky in the voice and said,

“Mnargh…”

   Aside from that, nothing really to report. Lectures go on, coursework gets submitted, exams are beginning to appear on the calendar (boo!) and Christmas preparation is well under way. Damn those plums smell good!

   I suspect I’ll put one more post up before Christmas to report a bit more on our preparations- if nothing else, I’ll want to declaim if the cake is going well, and if it isn’t then there’ll probably be a story to tell nonetheless. Until then, take care, and enjoy the snow and the cheer!

Lots of love,

Dan